I have started numerous posts since I got back but I haven’t finished any. I realized earlier this summer that I process things by talking about them with someone or writing about it. The posts I’ve started cover a variety of topics and the majority are very introspective. I learned and experienced a lot this summer but I feel as if my mind is almost backed up. Like I went through so much and am having to reevaluate a lot of things that my mind is taking it’s time sifting through them. Usually, my thoughts form as I am writing or speaking them. And although I’ve done both numerous times, I still don’t know what my point is. My words are painting this picture and I can’t quite figure out what it is. I don’t know what it’s supposed to be and it’s throwing me off. I’m confused. I don’t know how to write without knowing the ending yet. I already know that this thinking block that I’m experiencing is going to help me grow. I feel like I’m fumbling through words and that I don’t make sense. And I want to make sense, I don’t like to waste time by rambling. But maybe I need to do that for a little bit.
I hope this doesn’t just happen to me, but I’ve noticed that people across all age groups, demographics, and socio-economic situation interrupt me when I’m talking. I’m not sure if they get bored or just get really excited about a side topic, but it happens regularly. Over time, this has made me feel like people don’t value what I’m saying or that they think I’m talking just to hear my own voice. It has bothered me for a while now. Sometimes I just keep talking when they interrupt me. A few get the hint and shut up, but by that time they’ve missed my point and so don’t understand what I’m trying to say and so then I feel misunderstood. Most of the time, I let people interrupt me. I then spend the rest of the conversation wondering what makes them think they’re thoughts were more important and immediate than mine. Was I not making sense, is my point invalid, or are you just being rude? I don’t know what to say. And so I haven’t said much in the past. I’ve continued to talk once or twice just because I was so fed up with the person, but most of the time I tuck my thoughts away and let the other person talk. I think that over time, this tucking away of my thoughts has been detrimental to me. I often keep quiet with my thoughts or don’t voice them as loud enough for others to hear. I’m worried that I may have tucked them so far away that they don’t know how to make themselves known.
So I’m trying to get a grip of myself. I’m writing to reclaim my thoughts. The title is very self explanatory. I sat down, closed my eyes, and let my thoughts flow onto the page. I didn’t edit. I think one big reason why I haven’t finished any posts is because I am constantly editing myself. It’s like I’m overly conscious of my unseen audience. I’ve turned into the conversationalist I hate, the one that makes me feel out of place. I don’t like feeling out of place, especially on my own blog. When I write, I’m going to write what’s on my mind and just let my thoughts flow. I’ll probably close my eyes, it helps me concentrate. I’ll finish a post and when I go back to read it I’ll see that it makes sense, that my thoughts are valid and that I don’t need to rush them.